Baby Crack

Today, we ventured to a magical place where not having napped all day bears no ill-consequence. Where stepping through the front gates is like a shot of Red Bull. Where impalement is a very real possibility, and certain death lurks around every corner.Today, we went to the farm.

Inciting amputation via emu

If you’re ever looking for that special Kodak Moment—you know, the one where you capture your kid’s mind blowing on film—this is the place for you! The farm breeds more than livestock and fatal bacteria. Here, ADHD and H1N1 converge and become Meth for children. Side effects may include: rowdy behavior, inability to focus on one thing for more than a millisecond, and a final crash into a comatose state…aka a wicked 3-hour nap.

Narrowly escaping a fatal stab wound…AKA: feeding goats

Despite having to throw yourself between your child and insanely sharp goat horns, inhaling more animal feces than oxygen, and the chance you’ll walk away with more than an allergy headache, the farm is an amazing place for kids. I’ve never seen Piggle so happy or excited about anything! His eyes lit up like fireworks, and his head moved in every direction so quickly that I’m positive he now has severe whiplash.

Riding fake animals because I’m too cheap to shell out for the real deal…also, I didn’t want to die.

The two short hours we were there flew by. We enjoyed a death-trap tractor ride through the soybean fields, we played in the not-so-farm-themed playground, thus adding to the filth already clinging to our bodies, and we got thoroughly lost in a corn maze for half an hour (where I was convinced we’d be assaulted by creepy singing children with red eyes).

I guess a tractor wheel kind of symbolizes farms?

Also? There were monkeys:

weird, right?

I was hard-pressed to coax him away from the animals, and we had the added bonus of needing to dose him with Benadryl. He is now happily asleep, and I have the next few hours to decompress, decontaminate, and Google symptoms of Mad Cow Disease. All in all? A complete success!

One or both of us probably has pink-eye.

Meredith K.

He is adorable! And the crack-like effect that animals have on kids is mommy magic!


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