joys of motherhood

After making my

(which failed miserably today), I also decided to take a look at some other areas I could improve. One of them was spending more one on one time with Piggle. I really took for granted how easily he slipped into sibling-hood. He never showed any signs of regression or jealousy. In the past few weeks, though, it seems to have finally clicked. Sequel is here to stay, and she requires a lot of Mommy’s time and attention.

I spend at least an hour crying after he’s gone to bed—every. single. night. I feel so guilty. I feel the withdrawal and resentment radiating off of him, and it absolutely kills me. I wish there was a way to make him understand all of it, but even I’m having a hard time comprehending. The past year (almost to the day) has been such a shit show! There have been very few high points for both Piggle and myself.

I plan to change that.

Every week, I will be taking Piggle out on a date. Sequel will be Husband’s responsibility unless she needs to eat. I need my boy to know that, regardless of how overwhelmed, frustrated, and exhausted I am, he is my everything. Last week, we went to the . This week, we picked our pumpkin!


So I have this friend I want to punch in the face. Not because she’s an asshole, rather because she is so god damn beautiful. Seriously, she’s fucking flawless, and I hate her perfect guts!

The other day, I absolutely flipped my lid in the bathroom. I whipped my makeup across the room, which, in hindsight, was incredibly stupid because I had to clean it all up. Anyway, I lost it because I am hopeless when it comes to cosmetic-anything. I’m lucky if my eyebrows are on straight (fyi, I don’t have eyebrows).I have no time to put any real effort into doing myself up, and that’s where this asshole flawless friend comes in.

I was ogling her perfection on , when I remembered that she is a makeup artist! I knew I couldn’t be the only time-strapped failure in the mascara department, so I asked her to write up a few tips for us busy moms. She graciously obliged (fact: she isn’t just gorgeous; she’s the sweetest woman you’ll ever meet—yeah, feel free to hate on her with me) P.S Tawni, I actually love the fuck out of you—but you suck!

So without further ado, here are Tawni’s tips for getting your face on (nicely) in 15 minutes or less!


When I was pregnant with Sequel, poor Piggle was a bit neglected. I had no energy and a host of doctors telling me to park my ass on the couch. I couldn’t play with him the way he wanted—and more importantly, needed. I still feel incredibly guilty for that. Our relationship suffered drastically because of it. Even now, I still notice a bit of withdrawal, and he asks me to play with him less and less. It’s heartbreaking.

Because of this, I decided to have Piggle dates once a week. One day that is all about him! Of course, Sequel still tags along, but we do something HE loves. We usually try to do it on Husband’s day off because we’re able to give Piggle complete one-on-one attention. Unless Sequel is eating, she’s Husband’s responsibility, while I lay some lovin’s on my boy!

The other day, we took Piggle to a play place, designed specifically for young children. Luckily, we went while every other kid on Earth was napping, so we had the run of the place. We also had the added bonus of not tainting some poor kid with Piggle’s potty mouth! Seriously, this kid is worse than a sailor! Of course, I am to blame.

If you’ve followed me long enough, you know that ‘fuck’ is my favorite word. I use it liberally. I really need to start watching what I say, though because Mr. Parrot likes to repeat my expletives back in the most undesirable situations—like an indoor playground. Problem is, I’m having a hard time keeping him from uttering cuss words because, well, it’s fucking hilarious! Call it what you will: bad parenting, mom-fail…regardless, I dare you not to laugh!

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