Family

Teething Top Five

Just when I was about to report back with good news, regarding our sleep training, all hell broke loose! Apparently, Piggle doesn’t take time off for . He’s right back to his crazy self with the added bonus of teething!

Of the twelve pearly whites Piggle already proudly boasts, these are causing, by far, the most pandemonium. I don’t know if it’s because the canine teeth actually hurt the most or because the boy has recently become the biggest drama queen and is putting his new skills into practice. Whatever the reason, as far as I’m concerned, they can just piss off back to the fiery pits of hell from whence they came.

As a so eloquently put it, ” Enough people have figured out how to gum their way through a surf and turf that we should have figured out by now that this teething business is not only overrated, but completely unnecessary.” Boy, does she have that right!

Teething, in our house, generally means a fussy, farty Piggle who refuses any and all food, a fortnight of sleepless nights that leave me feeling worse than a junkie after a 3-day bender, and a sickening fear of breathing the wrong way. The boy becomes a Franken-toddler and we find ourselves walking on egg shells to avoid upsetting his Highness.

Despite an earlier , disparaging parenting books, I have, in fact, read many. When Piggle first started teething, I was desperate for any explanation as to why he becomes Satan’s incarnate.

Of course, each book was less informative than the last, and all they mention is that acquiring new teeth hurts (no shit…I can’t imagine fragments of sharp bone, ripping through your gums at top speed feeling very pleasurable). They each gave a list of possible symptoms to watch for, such as: drooling, crankiness, and diarrhea…not one of these Baby How-to’s mentioned anything along the lines of “your baby will redefine the word ‘asshole’ “.

After 11 months of solid teething, I would definitely say I’ve become a pro at dealing with the repercussions, but that’s not to say I enjoy it. Not even for one nanosecond. There isn’t anything in this world I hate more than teething—-except cotton balls because they’re just plain disgusting.

I have, however, in all of my experience, found remedies that actually work! Put down your What to Expect: The Toddler Years, and pay attention! I’m about to make a whole world of difference in your life (you can thank me with a generous donation to my shopping fund).

1. Cloths- Yes, this is an oldie. Everyone recommends it. They usually say to freeze or refrigerate it, but I’ve had far more success with hot water. Think about it: if you’re sore, you don’t jump into an ice bath…make sense? Of course it does, I thought of it! I’ve heard of knotting the cloth, but I’ve done just fine without, as well.

2. Raw Carrots- Simple as that. No prep work, no freezing, no mucking about; just stuff a carrot in their mouth. Piggle takes after me and doesn’t care for cold foods, but if you cared to, you could chill it before passing it on.

3. Celery Sticks- Have you ever chowed down on a handful of celery and noticed a tingling sensation in your mouth? You’re definitely not the only one. Celery contains a natural anaesthetic and can really help ease the pain of new teeth…just watch out for those annoying stringy bits.

4. Toothbrushes- Brushing isn’t reserved for babies with a mouthful of chompers. Not only is it recommended that you clean their mouths right from the get-go, but the pressure and rubbing of the swollen gums can actually soothe some of the ache. I usually give Piggle his awesome Elmo brush to chew away on.

5: Camilia- An all-natural, safe medication. This is my go-to remedy. It has, by far, the best results. I can’t even begin to describe how thankful I am that this exists! It’s a bit pricy, but sweet bald Jesus, it works!! If your wee one is in monster-mode, too, get to your nearest drugstore and stock up!

All of the above methods work. I promise. It may take a few tries or even a combination of all five at once, depending on which teeth munchkin is cutting, but try them. You’ll be back, thanking me on bended knee. I accept PayPal, credit, debit, cash, or cheques. You’re welcome.

Note: Please don’t actually send me money. You’d only be fueling a serious addiction, and you really don’t want that over your head.

Looks like Piggle and Danny are traveling this path through teething hell together! Thanks for the list – I plan on using every single one of them. However, there was one that I believe you’ve forgotten. Hot Chocolate. And not for Piggle, but for mommy.

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