Take ‘em off, sweetheart…you won’t need them here!
When I first got pregnant, I researched every book on the market, hoping to become the perfect parent. I spent hundreds of dollars on various reading materials and Googled every possible situation that might arise once Piggle got here. Boy, was that a waste of time!
It’s not until you become a mother that you realize how pointless and generic these books are. They only tell you what every normal kid does…What they fail to mention is that the contents are based on what should happen. They don’t cover the shit you would never dream of happening.
Here, I’ve compiled the top 12 things I should have asked for at my baby shower:
12: A Maid- Try as you may, your house will never be clean again. You can spend countless hours trying to reach some semblance of order, but within a matter of minutes, a, undoing everything you’ve just wasted your time doing. Don’t bother.
11: Valium- The Terrible Twos are a lie. Tantrums start well before their second birthday—in fact, Piggle started at 10 months. No one told me to expect this. I was so unprepared that when the first tantrum hit, I thought he was dying. I was very afraid—actually, I still am. These bad boys can break even the most seasoned parent. Sure, the books offhandedly mention that your child will develop a personality and try to exert his/her independence (), but that’s just code for “your kid will turn into a major douche bag and stay that way for the next 3 years”. Don’t be fooled.
10: Ear Plugs- Have you been unlucky enough to have spawned a screamer? The first time you are privy to one of these gut-wrenching wails, you will initially think your kid is being mauled by rabid wolves. After the fifteen-thousandth, you will beg said wolves to rip you apart. The only thing with a higher pitch is a dog whistle. These piercing screams will curdle your blood. They can and will shatter glass, your eardrums, and your mind.
9: Duct Tape- Baby-proof all you want. It won’t do much good. These little shits can get into and out of everything—including their diapers. Unless you were considering
and using rotting corpses as an air freshener, it’d be wise to start taping their nappies on at about a year old.
8: Nyquil- Sure, some kids sleep through the night at only a few weeks old…and to their parents, I say fuck you! For the rest of us, it isn’t so easy. It is very probable that you will get nary a wink for at least the first 2 years. If you breastfeed and/or co-sleep, well, you’ve got a
to deal with.
7: A New Brain- I have always been a basket case. My mind wanders in eight trillion directions at once, and I often forget the smaller things. Becoming a mother, however, has turned me into a complete, blithering idiot—sometimes, complete with blank stare and drool. I swear I was never this dumb before I popped the boy out, but then, I can’t remember what I did 5 minutes ago or if I’m even wearing pants, so I can’t really be relied on to recall my brain functions from 2 years ago…anyway…wait, what was I saying?…
6: A Bedpan- Piggle is now almost 17 months old. Long enough for my vagina to have returned to its former glory, right? WRONG! You know what those asshole books don’t tell you? That you will pee yourself any damn time you do something strenuous—like sneeze…or breathe.
5: Reconstructive Surgery- Speaking of things malfunctioning down below, you can say good-bye to your vagina. Seriously, if you don’t yet have kids, look down and cherish every moment of your lady bits’ beauty. You will NOT recognize her as more than a mutilated pile of old scrambled eggs once your baby has his/her way with it.
4: A Scalpel (Or Any Other Sharp Object)- The first time your child says “What’s that?” you will be amazed by his/her curiosity for the world around them. Every time after that, you will want to gouge your eyeballs out with the closest object to you.
3: Laser Hair Removal- Sure, the books do tell you that while pregnant you will acquire hair in various unwanted places—what they fail to mention is that it NEVER. GOES. AWAY! Just had a baby? Think your belly button is hairy now? Wait a year.
2. A Lobotomy- If you’re anything like me, you hate repetition. Children—especially babies and toddlers, however, love that shit. The Wheels on the Bus will never get old for them, and you’ll quickly find that those N’SYNC tunes you used to belt out in the shower are replaced with B-I-N-G-O and that awful fucking Barney theme-song.
1. Breast Implants- Whether you breastfeed or not, say good-bye to your boobies. The next time you get a chance to examine them in a mirror, you will neither recognize them or want them anywhere near you. Push-up bras will become your best friend—-tennis balls in tube socks, anyone?
There are probably far more than twelve What to Expect When You’re Least Expecting‘s, but as I’ve mentioned in #6, my brain cells have been sucked out through my nipples. Feel free to add your experiences to the list! What were you most surprised by as a new parent?
Omg, not only was this hysterical, but after having two children of my own could relate to this whole post.
Thanks for putting a humorous spin on even the not so funnies of being
parent and couldn’t have said better myself if I tried!!
HOW CAN YOU SEE MY BOOBS?!
Valium, duct tape and a maid. Sounds like heaven!
Hahahahahaha! Feel your pain. At Sofia’s last checkup she let out an ear-piercing scream mid-tantrum and even her pediatrician was shocked at how loud it was!