Piggle’s first words were “what’s that?”, inflection and all. For months, his thirst for knowledge has been insatiable. It should have come as no surprise to me, then, that he’d one day discover the ‘Bees’….or is it the ‘Birds’? I’ve both never understood the difference between the two, nor the correlation of the different species…perhaps I am simply too logical to appreciate cutesy nicknames for peen and vageen…
It all started with far too much coffee and a teething boy. The overwhelming amount of ingested caffeine, of course, acting as diuretics do, had me holding on to my bits for dear life while dancing around like Brobee on acid. Piggle, being the most charming teether of the century was clinging to my pant leg as though it contained the answer to every “what’s that?” imaginable.
I employed every distraction tactic I have in my arsenal, from sticker bribes to cheese strings. All to no avail. I was officially a whale…with a barnacle to make me more legitimately marine-like. My bladder was nearing bursting point, and I was one spontaneous sneeze away from ruining my day.
I did what any sane, 8-hours of sleep-getting mother would have immediately thought to do…I mustered the remnants of my strength not being used to practise extreme kegels, and I hauled that 25 lb boy up the stairs and into the bathroom, still attached to my right leg. Not as easy as it sounds; especially when you’re trying to concentrate on not peeing on his head.
That’s when it happened…The boy and his quenchless curiosity caught sight of ‘Her‘.
And so it began.
How do you explain to a 15 month old that mommies and Piggles have different plumbing? How do you act serious when the word ‘penis’ still makes you giggle as it did in middle school? How can one explain that one is currently between waxes and that the fear in his eyes is unjustified?
I was so unprepared for the five or six “wazzat”s that followed his discovery. I truly didn’t know how to answer. Should I use the proper words? Should I tell him it’s rude to point? All I had wanted to do was take a piss!
Damn you, teeth, for putting me on the spot…
Im home alone with the Samboo 75% of the tim