Mother May I?

Sex. Yup, I said it. SEX. What is it? Well, we obviously know the clinical answer, as most of us have children. We know how it’s done, the ins and the outs (no pun intended), but what about sex with a toddler in tow? Does such a thing exist? In my case, no.

It’s not for lack of drive, but at the end of a long day, spent trying to keep Piggle alive, I just can’t imagine exerting the energy it would take to get undressed. I can’t even count how many times I’ve gone to bed, wearing the same clothes I wore during the day. If I can’t even mange basic personal hygiene, I most certainly can’t be arsed to be ‘sexy’. Plus, it’s really hard to get in the mood when the boy may wake up at any minute. Nothing hot about telling your husband to shush every few seconds to make sure your rushed attempts at sex didn’t disturb the baby.

People constantly ask me when I plan to pop out a sequel. What they must not realize is that Piggle is the best birth control on the market. Sheer exhaustion aside, what sane person can look at their toddler and say, “I need two of these!” Exactly. I shudder at the sight of man-bits! With the threat of Toddler 2.0 looming over my head, it’s difficult to get into the right mind frame for sexy time.

I’ve had several readers write in, asking me to talk about doing the deed when you have a mini-demon. To them, I say, count your blessings! No, you may not be having earth shattering orgasms, but isn’t a good night’s sleep way better anyway?

In all fairness to the ‘un-lucky’ dads out there, it’s not that we don’t want the closeness or the hot nastiness of 2 years ago. We’re just tired. I’ve actually heard tell that most women are anti-penis for the first 24 months of their child’s life. It’s a natural spacing instinct. That, and for us nursing moms, having one human attached to our hooters all day is enough, thank-you very much.

Aside from the physiological standpoint, what mother has time? I’ve always been pretty decent with time-management, but it baffles me when I see a woman pregnant while toting around a tantrum-y kid. My first thought isn’t “what the hell is she thinking?” It’s “how on earth did she manage that?!” I have several friends who are pulling it off beautifully, but I know I certainly couldn’t!

That all said, I do think it’s important for couples to carve out some time together. It doesn’t need to involve sex, but it’s vital that you keep your relationship strong. In 20 years, when the kids are all grown up (and hopefully out of the house), it’ll be just you two. You certainly don’t want to find out you’re married to a stranger.

For you single ladies, I leave you with different advice: you do the work of two people. Your life revolves entirely around your child(ren), without so much as half an instant to just breathe. To you, I say hire a sitter, go out on a few dates, and let your hair down once in awhile.

And finally, to all my sex-less mamas out there, go out and buy yourself a vibrator. It gets the job done with half the effort…no lingerie or half-assed attempts at strip teasing. You’ll thank me.

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